Wednesday March 20, 2024

Let me start by saying that I’m not as bad right now as I have been, especially after having therapy today. I’m writing this to share my reality and spread awareness.

The past few days, maybe a week, has been really hard on me. A lot of things are going on that are making me feel pretty low. On top of all that, though, I’ve been worrying about how to talk to my therapist in a way where they won’t have me hospitalized.

As a mandatory reporter, they have a duty to keep me from hurting myself. Would I hurt myself? I’m not sure. Maybe. If things keep getting worse, probably. However, whatever I would do to myself is nowhere near as bad as what being hospitalized would do to me. It would be a fate worse than death.

And that’s not hyperbole. I’ve been hospitalized before. I was traumatized and physically broken by it. I don’t think I’ll ever recover. That’s what happens there. I would also be torn away from my support systems: my friends and lovers, my service dog, everything I know and hold dear. I wouldn’t have control over my food, my schedule, my comfort. I would be at the mercy of people who don’t know or understand me.

I would rather die.