I just had a wild realization. For a while now, I’ve been wondering if I was a multiple. That is to say, I might have a dissociative disorder that caused me to develop alternate personality states. I’ve become more and more convinced that this is true. This is for a lot of reasons including:
I’ve always been very spiritual and that spirituality has always involved communicating with spirits.
I have severe amnesia and dissociation from my body.
I have a fair amount of trauma starting at a very young age.
When in distress, I withdraw into myself and watch as my body does things that I’m not in control of.
I’ve been obsessed with various forms of multiplicity for years.
So yeah, coming to terms with this has been a big deal for me. I’ve been learning to listen to the others and figure out who is affecting me. Which brings me to my realization. I don’t think I’m who I was.
This might be a little confusing but here’s as good an explanation as I can give:
In high school, I wore tshirts and jeans and was always reading. I went by the name Kat, which was short for Katherine. This wasn’t my birth name but a name that I connected with. After getting sick and dropping out of school, I wore black skirts, tank tops, and flats. I couldn’t stand socks or sneakers. I went by the name Rin and changed my pronouns to they/them. Now I’m most comfortable in tshirts and skirts, I prefer sneakers, and my name is Silver. Katherine feels so foreign that I can’t believe I sometimes forgot that it wasn’t the name I was known by.
I am no longer Kat or Rin or [birth name]. I am a completely different entity. I am fey and magic. I don’t even share the same interests as past iterations. Katherine was very sexual and submissive. I’m as dominant as possible while being somewhat sex repulsed. While every iteration has known how to knit, I enjoy it much more than Rin did. I also seem to be more emotionally expressive and, in my opinion, I’m a more poetic writer.
So long story short, I’m new here. I’m still learning how to be. You’re welcome to join on the journey.