A letter that I can never send

TWs: rape, murder, transphobia, adoption, trauma, chronic illness

Hello Love,

Can I still call you Love? I don't claim you as mine anymore. That said, I do still love you and you have said that you still love me. It's just that we're not compatible.

I don't know if you'll ever be ready to talk about this. That's why I'm writing this letter. I need to talk my side of the story. You may think that it's uncouth to air our dirty laundry. But I think best through writing. Who knows if this will ever get published. If you ever read this, I guess that's the answer.

You accused me of using TERF tactics. I can see where you got that impression. I understand why those words hurt you. However, that's never what I intended to say. I may have worded things poorly. So here's what I meant: you were raised by people who thought you were a boy. You were judged by how well you were able to perform masculinity, yes? You felt like you could never live up to those expectations. I hear that. I sorrow for that little girl. I also know that those expectations left scars.

Now here's the part of the conversation I always felt shut down during: I was raised with expectations too. Everyone thought I was a girl. Hell, maybe that me was a girl. So I was raised with the expectation of being raped. I grew up surrounded by stories of my peers, who as far as I know were cis girls, being sexually harassed. Many of these stories happened before they hit puberty. I didn't heard the same stories from my boy peers. I didn't hear the guys in my classes being taught how to avoid the attention of grownups who might murder them for not reciprocating amorous advances.

So I grew up afraid. Did you? I don't know. I somehow doubt it. How could you have such faith in humanity, in cis men, if you grew up knowing that any of them might see you as nothing more than a sex object? How do you choose man over bear? I know trans women are in danger too. How do you not see how the fear I live in colors how I see the world?

Also, my being against adoption in principle does not mean I think you would be a bad mom. It's also not transphobic or homophobic to acknowledge how traumatic it is for a child to be ripped away from the only family they've known. Adoption also cuts off their connection to their biology. As a chronic sicky, I know the importance of an accurate family medical history. There are other ways to care for children. I'm not trying to hurt you by bringing this up, even though I know it hurts to hear. I'm simply lifting up the voices of adoptees and donor conceived people.

Anyway, I've been rambling too long. However, I have one last piece of news. You know how I was talking about those spirits in my head? Well, it turns out they're more than just reflections of me! I probably have OSDD. So Stag and Sin and all the others are as real as me. Maybe more real as I am pretty sure I'm a new iteration. Thank means Rin, the one you dated for the most part, isn't around anymore. I'm Silver now. Though the hurt of our break up very well might be part of the reason I'm here. I'll keep you updated.

Wishing you all the best,

Silver