I'm listening to Weave the Liminal by Laura Tempest Zakroff. I just got to a bit about trusting your instincts and your gut as part of witchcraft. I'm not sure how to do that when I'm traumatized. It feels like my sense of danger is really borked.
I remember being little and feeling a chill up my spine for no discernable reason. Sometimes I took these chills seriously. Sometimes I tried to hide my sudden sense of dread. I still don't know the reason for them.
But then trauma happened and I developed cPTSD (among other things). Now I get triggered by safe situations and walk blithely into dangerous ones. My parents have coerced me into family therapy. Today, in our first session, I was so triggered I almost walked out. I had done everything I could to feel safe but I still felt like I was in danger.
On the other hand, I'm writing this. I'm spilling my heart to strangers on the Internet. How is that safer? But the distance, the anonymity, makes me feel safe. I'm so desperate for someone to talk to about all this that I'm here.
This brings me back to my original point. Throughout my life, I've been so desperate for help and companionship that I've welcomed every spirit that has come to me. This has landed me in trouble. In particular, there is Sin, a devourer of all things. And yet I can't bear the thought of not having him around.
I've also, historically, latched on to people who didn't have my best interests in mind. I had a high school friend who was quite open about seeing me as a play thing. (A factive of her formed in the headspace and evolved into Spider.) I was devoted to this friend to the point I knew I would go along with her evil schemes. While it was probably for the best, I was devastated when she abandoned me.
So, with that history in mind, how am I supposed to trust my gut? How am I supposed to rely on intuition that has never made sense and regularly leads me astray? I guess this is something I need to answer for myself. Wish me luck.