Dysphoria and dysmorphia

A lot of trans people talk about that moment when they see their true self in the mirror for the first time. Maybe it’s after a haircut or when they get new clothes, but they get that euphoria. I’ll never have that. I’ll never look in a mirror or look down at my body and feel good about what I see. I’ll never see what I expect.

This is partly because I’m otherkin. I should have fur all over instead of hair on my head. I should be a quadruped. I should have paws and claws. I’ll never have any of that and that’s something I’ll mourn for as long as I’m alive.

Another part is what I think is dysmorphia. The body I see in my head as me is tall and thin with lean muscle. The body I have in the outside world is short and fat. I don’t have muscle tone and what muscle I do have is hidden under quite a layer of fat. I’m always hesitant to talk about this because fatphobia is so omnipresent. I don’t want people to think I hate my body because I don’t like fat bodies. Fat bodies are great. I don’t even really hate that my body is fat. It just shouldn’t be mine.

I’ve done lots of things to try to feel more comfortable in my body. I cut my hair short so I seem more masculine. I’m taking testosterone. I want to get a phalloplasty and dye my hair the color my fur should be. I generally take good care of my body. I just don’t want to live in it.